Squirrel War update: Things are getting serious

To the dogs and humans of America —

Several months back we declared war on your pitiful respective races. Sick and tired of your dictatorial ways — and of being chased and killed by fleabags — we decided to BRING YOU DOWN.

Sleep with one eye open.

And guess what bitches? It’s working.

We’ve bulked up and battled. We’ve been infiltrating your homes in unsuspecting ways,  petrifying your cats and your women, and ruining your ability to pee in peace.

Yeah, we went THERE.

We will DESTROY you.

There’s also the ongoing success of OPERATION ROADKILL — our plan to permanently eliminate the fast-moving, massive, four-legged animals you call cars, and thus, you.

Think we don’t stand a chance? Think again.

Currently, we’re No.3 on the list of top 10 animals that cause car wrecks — trailing only wild turkeys and deer who, as we all know, have had a mission to destroy your cars since the beginning of time.

If you’re still not afraid — you’re an idiot. Especially because our squirrel counterparts abroad are also getting in on the action.

Increasing our troop size is vital to our success.

Our London mates are quite feisty, attacking humans in broad daylight, and we’ve got the Spaniard humans eating out of our hands. They think we’re so cute and awesome. We’re not. Well we are awesome. But we’re mostly deadly.

And we’re coming after YOU and your little doggy next.

Yours in War,

Sam the Squirrel Commander in Chief