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Squirrels declare war

November 30, 2010

To the dogs and humans of America:

It’s on.

After the latest injustice to our kind — the killing of several innocent squirrels by two ferocious New York dogs — we’ve finally had ENOUGH. We get NO respect by any of you, and frankly, we’re sick of it. And we’ve decided you must pay. We’re declaring war on all of you.

Squirrel photo by Brien Snelson/Creative Commons

This might look innocent but these peanuts will play a crucial role in the coming war.

What is that you say? The NYC Park Enforcement agency has deployed several undercover agents to keep the city’s squirrels safe? Well, it’s too little, too late. We don’t want your stinkin undercover squirrel police — we don’t trust you.  And sure, some of you support squirrel rights, but for the most part, many of you just think of us as rats with cuter outfits and laugh when your canines chase us.

(Oh and for the record, rats and squirrels are two totally different rodents — we’re not even in the same rodent family, you stupid humans.)

“I think squirrels are disgusting, quite frankly, but you shouldn’t kill them,” Megan Miquelon told the Daily News.

Thanks, friend. You know what you can do with that type of support? You can SHOVE IT.

And what’s worse is that you Americans just don’t appreciate how lucky you are.

As Carole Cohen told the Daily News, “[The squirrels in America] are so friendly compared to France … and they pose for pictures…”

Yeah, that’s right. French squirrels are bastards. They’re rude and obnoxious and VICIOUS and not nearly as photogenic. So from here on out — American squirrels are going to be jerks as well. No more Mr. Nice Squirrel. We’re going to be EVIL beasts with bushy tails. And we’ll NEVER say cheese for the camera again.

This is your official warning. And don’t think we’re not prepared. Have you ever seen a baby squirrel? No, you haven’t. That’s because we’re training them … FOR WAR. So, yeah, we’re ready to TAKE YOU ON.

The next time your sweet little pooch attempts to chase us, we’re not going to run. No Siree. We’re going to turn around and ATTACK. We’re going to chase your dog. And perhaps kill it (depending on its size).

Think we’re bluffing? I dare you and Fido to test us.


It’s on.

Yours in War,
Sam the Squirrel Commander in Chief

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jack Weiland permalink
    November 30, 2010 12:16 pm


  2. December 11, 2010 3:55 am

    Why am I not surprised?

    I bow to the new overloards.

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