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An elephant finally remembers

March 9, 2011

Elliot the Elephant previously wrote about a crazy rager and his battle to stay sober. He now weighs in on a recent study that shows elephants are on the same level of intelligence as chimpanzees and dolphins.

I'm just a smart, contributing member of the herd now.

You know the saying “an elephant never forgets”? Well that has never been true for me until recently. Sobriety has completely changed my life. I’m remembering things for the first time ever. And I’ve learned I’m actually a very smart mammal!

Before I decided to give up drinking, I always scoffed at those “scientists” who claimed elephants are smart. Now I’ve realized it was just me and my drunken friends who weren’t smart. You know what isn’t smart? Drinking barrels of homemade alcohol and going on a four-day bender. You know what isn’t smart? Spilling every secret everyone one of your elephant friends told you because you were too drunk to remember not to, therein ruining your relationships with everyone in the herd.

I always thought it was hard living in a herd, with the complex social structure, but now I realize I was just an ass. Being sober has helped me form strong bonds with my fellow elephants. We help each other solve problems and we cooperate to achieve a common goal (usually having to deal with getting more food). I’ve tapped into a whole different level of intelligence that I never thought possible! I’m totally ready to take those smart-ass dolphins on in Trivial Pursuit. BRING IT FLIPPER.

In my drunken days, I never would have helped a fallen elephant, I probably would’ve just assumed he had passed out after a totally bitchin night of partying. Now I realize I probably missed an opportunity to help an injured brother-from-another-mother. So to all of the elephants I blithely walked over on my way to the next festival rather than help, I would like to apologize. I know better now.

This new level of cooperation and brain power has given me a new-found commitment to my sobriety. Never again will I give in to the powers of alcohol. Unless we need to celebrate after figuring out how to tap into some kegs — as a herd.

-Elliot the Intelligent Elephant

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