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Hi Zoo Run By Humans, Please Allow Me To Get Laid

February 4, 2011
Bald Eagle

C'mon. I'm HOT.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a handsome bald eagle. And I want to get laid. You would think that this wouldn’t be an issue for me, right? I mean seriously…just look at that photo of me. But herein lies the problem. The zoo, which is run by feckless humans, doesn’t see it my way. They are in fact, preventing me from accomplishing my goal with a ravenous female named Olivia. See, I totally get it.  The humans, who run the zoo, are afraid, of like,  Olivia contracting some terrible STD or perhaps succumbing to an  “unexpected” pregnancy. But sometimes love is unexpected. I didn’t expect to fall so deeply in love but these things happen. Help a brother out.

Like many proud humans, they’re probably just concerned about her well-being. I completely understand. But I swear, I’m really an upstanding young eagle, and the perfect mate for dear Liv. I get tested twice a year, and as far as I know, I’ve never been a father. So let’s face the facts: We’re two consenting eagle adults. She’s already SIX YEARS OLD. I bet her prospects within the zoo’s confines aren’t that great. Plus, I’m healthy, and I exercise consistently by flying around in circles. I eat only the finest fish that I can scavenge myself.  Oh and sometimes, if I’m really lucky, I’ll spot a deer carcass in the woods and go to town – but that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right. Listen, zoo, I promise Liv will be in good claws. You don’t want her to die alone with only her empty nest for comfort, do you? I’ll play some Maxwell, maybe light some candles with my beak. Just give me one chance.  To borrow a phrase from you humans, I’ll be a complete gentleman.

– Casanova, the Horny Male Bald Eagle

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One Comment leave one →
  1. February 4, 2011 9:59 pm

    Well I hope you get some snuggle time, but do be a gentleman, BOL!

    Nubbin wiggles,
    Oskar

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