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We’re Here, We’re Queer: A Gay Vulture’s Lament

January 12, 2011

Nothing ruffles my feathers more than human stupidity. Coming from a vulture, that’s saying a lot, since I primarily feed on the carcasses of dead animals. But then again, you guys count this crazy person as one of your own, so I’d say we’re about equal. In any event, there is one thing we vultures understand above everything else: love. Beautiful, pure and honest love. And that’s what makes this whole sad situation with my good friends – and fellow vultures – Guido and Detlef all the more infuriating.

Their life together began innocently enough. They were two handsome males who lived a quiet, idyllic life in a German zoo. They groomed each other. They shared a nest. They enjoyed each other’s company above anyone else’s. But of course, their intimacy did not sit well with the human owners of the zoo, who decided to separate them. In late November of last year, they moved Guido to another zoo 400 miles away in the Czech Republic to forcefully mate him with a female vulture.


Why hello there.

Guess what? It didn’t work.

Guido and Detlef had been a couple since March. That’s eight months, which in vulture years, is a long time considering we typically don’t make it past 30. Humans of course, have been pondering animals’ sexual proclivities for awhile now. We watched with feigned interest as they became absolutely fascinated by gay sheep and gay penguins. Then last March, I stumbled upon a Sunday New York Times article titled “Can Animals Be Gay?” Duh. Is the New York Times for real?

I know why humans are so interested in animals’ sexual identity – They want some insight into their own. Well if it’s answers you’re searching for, here’s one takeaway I’d like humans to adopt: love is simple. When animals couple up, we don’t concern ourselves with meaningless questions about gender or socially-accepted norms. You can study brain chemistry, you can run genetic tests, you can continue the seemingly endless “nature vs. nurture” debate until you’re blue in the face. Or you can chalk it up to love and leave it at that. To put it bluntly, you really should do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

So next time you humans decide it’s a wise move to separate two vultures or two penguins or two sheep because you’re too insecure about your own prude, socially-sanctioned sexual identities, please consider my plea in defense of love. Maybe you can learn something from vultures after all.

Oliver the Vulture

4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 12, 2011 7:41 pm

    the progressive vulture 🙂 right on.

  2. January 13, 2011 1:00 am

    If we had come across bonobos before we learned about chimps.

    we’d have a very different idea about sex.

    I had to re-blog this, hope that’s okay.

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