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Week 1: The basics of cat food and exercise

January 11, 2011

Paul, Current Instincts’ resident fat cat, has resolved to lose weight in 2011. Here he recaps Week One of his journey to become a more svelte, sexy feline.

My adoring fans —

With the help of human #1 — who has thumbs — I spent this past week collecting  information about feline weight loss from various websites, friends, and even enemies (i.e., the Vet.).

Initially, I was overwhelmed with all the content out there — but, do not fear, I was not deterred. No way. Not me. Not Paul the Cat. I’m on a mission. To lose weight. And I will succeed.

So what have I learned?

For starters, a 15 pound cat shouldn’t lose more than half a pound in four weeks. I was tempted to ignore this detail at first as it seemed dumb, but then I found out that I could DIE if I did.

I also thought cutting my food intake would be enough — but it’s not. I have to reconsider the type of food I’m eating because apparently, I’m currently consuming straight up junk. Ideally, my meals would be made up of 35 to 40 percent protein, 40 percent fat, only a little bit of carbohydrates, and consist of wet and dry bits.

There are two problems with this weight loss recipe.

  1. I HATE WET FOOD. I’ve tried it on multiple occasions — all different brands — and always end up giving it to the dogs because those fleabags will eat ANYTHING. (Side note: Have I mentioned that I hate dogs?)
  2. I LOVE CARBOHYDRATES. My current dry food consists of a high amount of carbs — and that’s the way I like it. I love that processed crap.

Yes, I’m being stubborn, but if this is supposed to be a lifestyle change, I want something I can keep up day after day, week after week, month after month. I will (unhappily, mind you!) experiment with different brands this week and I’ll let you know if I successfully convert to another brand — or if I’m just a junk food junkie 4 lyfe.

After food came exercise research.

I like to consider myself an active cat — but after reading this PetSmart article on Kitty Calisthenics, I have come to the conclusion that I’m not. I occasionally hunt for treats and play with toys, but for the most part I just plot the death of my nemesis.

I’ve decided to re-pick up my favorite past time: Fetch. I’m an EXCELLENT fetcher. Just you watch:

OK. That was pretty lame. But I’m out shape — and human #1 is still a novice with the Flip camera/video software.

So a recap of my recap:

  1. Don’t lose too much, too soon.
  2. Don’t eat crap.
  3. Exercise more.
  4. Dogs suck.

I have my work cut out for me this week as I put all these things into action but I’m positive I will prevail!

Talk to you all next week.

— Paul the (still fat) Cat

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