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Dead bird week comes to a close: so what have we learned?

January 7, 2011

Birds and fish up and died all over the world this week. It started in Arkansas with 5,000 birds and 100,000 fish mysteriously dying. And everyone was kind of like, well, Arkansas is weird and who even wants to live there anyway? (Besides Bill.) Then there were more dead birds in Louisiana. Then Sweden. Then everywhere, leaving millions wondering WTF? Was it loud noises? Toxins? Mass bird suicide? The end of times? Terrible movie plots? We waited breathlessly for an answer. Well here it is.

It’s totally no big deal.

Biologist? More like snoozeologist.

According to biologists, who clearly have no flair for the dramatic, animal die-offs are very common. In fact, in North America alone large die-offs happen every other day. How will journalists over-hype the end of times now?!?!?! Solve that problem smarty-pants biologists.

Anyway. These mass die-offs usually fly under the radar and are generally unrelated to each other. The reason they’re getting attention now is because of increased technology which gives us instant access to news happening around the world at all times. Last year, when there were 163 such events, they must have all happened during busy news days or were witnessed by someone without a Twitter account.

So this is totally normal. In fact, the 5,000 birds in Arkansas isn’t even close to being the biggest bird die-off. In 1996, 100,000 ducks died in Canada. But back in 1996 you still had to dial on your modem to get an Internet connection so once you finally logged on you weren’t going to waste your time on a dumb dead bird story — you were going to send emoticons to your friends via AIM. Duh. Not exactly, but since there wasn’t a 24-hour news cycle back then, it would’ve received much less attention.

Keep an eye on him. He could drop dead at any minute.

So it appears the case of the mysterious bird deaths has been solved: there was no mystery to begin with and it’s totally normal when a lot of animals die at the same time. Well that was anti-climatic.

Or …

Is that just what the lamestream media wants us all to believe? Mwahahaha!


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