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BREAKING NEWS: Arkansas spontaneously kills mad animals

January 3, 2011

Avenge me!

Attention all animals living in Arkansas: GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! A couple of days ago almost 5,000 birds mysteriously dropped dead in midair. Now, 100,000 fish have shown up dead in the Arkansas River. Seriously, wtf?

As of right now, officials don’t believe the two incidents are related, but that doesn’t make it any less creepy. No poison was found in the dead birds, and the cause of death was ruled blunt force trauma. Since the collision happened in the air, officials believe they were startled by something and bumped into each other. They bumped into each other hard enough to kill 5,000 birds? Something about this isn’t sitting right…

Meanwhile, at mass grave number two, it doesn’t look like 100,000 drum fish were killed by toxins. Fish kills happen in the area every year, but rarely in numbers as large as these. Andrew Goodwin, the associate director of the University of Arkansas’ Aquaculture and Fisheries Center, thinks that the fish experienced a population boom, and then too many were competing for food and eventually suffered from a drop in temperature and committed fish suicide en mass. That last part was my own conjecture.

Are you buying these theories? Or do you think this is one big anti-animal conspiracy being executed by the Arkansas government? Because I do.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2011 5:58 pm

    Just listened to report on National Public Radio. Seems that someone used canons used around airports to scare birds that were roosting in neighborhood trees. Since it was done at night, the birds – en mass – flew into buildings trees, each other because they do not see well at night and were flying in fright. In short, some dumb ___ did not like the birds roosting in his neighborhood and wanted to get rid of them not caring or knowing that the cannons would end up killing them. The person should be prosecuted.

    • January 3, 2011 10:17 pm

      They definitely should! That’s terrible! But I’m glad we ruled out government conspiracy…for now.

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