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Size doesn’t matter

December 2, 2010

Richter and Paul are two of Current Instincts most prolific writers. They previously debated indoor vs. outdoor living for cats, fought over cuddling with dogs, and today they’re discussing science’s claim that  dogs are smarter than cats.

Ricther and Paul debate in the aquarium.

Richter and Paul. In the aquarium.

Richter: Recently some fancy-schmancy scientists decided that dogs are smarter than cats because they have bigger brains. Paul and I are here today to say that scientists suck and are totally wrong.

Paul: Scientists and dogs are at the top of my “things that suck” list.

Richter: I know. Just because dogs have bigger brains doesn’t mean they’re smarter. Size doesn’t matter — it’s what you do with what you’ve got.

Paul: Do you think a dog could’ve figured out how to turn on the hot water in the bathtub? I doubt it!

Richter: There’s no way they could’ve figured out how to waste as much money and energy as possible for the humans like you did. Way to go! As for me, I know I have a really small head, but it didn’t stop me from figuring out how to jump on top of the refrigerator and how to open doors.

Paul: You can open doors!?!

Richter: Well no, I’m smart but I still don’t have opposable thumbs. But if I did, let me tell you, no doors in the apartment would be closed. Do you think a dog would even try to learn how to open doors like those philosoraptors in Jurassic Park? No they wouldn’t. They just wait and hope their humans will open it. I’m out there problem solving.

Paul: You definitely are. And have you ever heard the phrase “curious like a dog”? Nope. Dogs are too dumb to even be curious. This study reminds me of the David and Goliath story. Everyone thought David was all weak but then he beat a huge giant dinosaur or something and everyone loved him. It’s exactly the same as everyone thinking dogs are smarter because they have bigger brains.

Richter: Is it…?

Paul: Yes.

Richter: Oh. Well now it’s time to hear from some of our intelligent feline fans on this topic. Julie, a NYC cat, sent us a Facebook message sharing her opinion. She said:

I HATE dogs.

Paul: Julie makes a very valid point.

Richter: Yup. So in conclusion, size doesn’t matter.

Paul: (Chortles) That’s what she said.

Richter: Hey, wait a minute! I’m still mad at you for sleeping with a dog! You probably think dogs are smarter than cats!

Paul: I told you she didn’t mean anything!

Richter: I don’t know what I ever saw in you.

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