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A polar bear’s take on the NHL season so far

November 16, 2010

I can't wait to grow a playoff beard.

A lot of people are worried about us polar bears. We appreciate everyone’s concern, we’re worried too. What with the glaciers melting and our hunting season changing because of global warming, but there’s something we care about way more: hockey. All polar bears, with no exceptions, love hockey. No, we’re obsessed with hockey.

We can’t get enough of it! Especially since we have so much in common with hockey players. Battling on the frozen tundra, using our speed to defeat opponents and fighting to solve problems. In fact, I hear Tie Domi was often called “The Polar Bear”*. Needless to say, the whole polar bear community is pretty pumped that hockey is back and in full swing. So here is my assessment, team by team, of how the season has gone so far.

New York Rangers: Despite a couple games where lack of effort spelled defeat, the Rangers have been playing aggressive and exciting hockey to start off the season. Many fans predicted two straight weeks of low-scoring and mediocre play when Marian Gaborik and Chris Drury were both hurt the night of the home opener. But in their absence many players stepped up, none more than the top line of Brandon Dubinsky, Ryan Callahan and Artem Anisimov. At one point Callahan had a 7-game point streak, and Dubinsky leads the team with 10 goals. It seems these young, home-grown players have finally arrived.

Few would argue that goaltender Henrik Lundqvist is the team’s most important player. He is the only NHL goaltender to earn 30-plus wins 5 seasons in a row. However, many worry about “The King’s” workload, and the Rangers finally seem to have found a reliable back-up goaltender in veteran Marty Biron. It’s important to keep Lundqvist healthy and rested, and a steady back-up will only help. With the return of Marian Gaborik to the line-up, the Rangers are set to improve.

New Jersey Devils: SUCK!

New York Islander: SUCK!

Philadelphia Flyers: SUCK!

Pittsburgh Penguins: SUCK!

Boston Bruins: SUCK!

Montreal Canadians: SUCK! (Big time)

Ottawa Senators: SUCK!

Toronto Maple Leafs: SUCK!

Atlanta Thrashers: Totally SUCK!

Carolina Hurricanes: More like the Carolina SUCKICANES

Florida Panthers: SUCK!

Tampa Bay Lightning: SUCK!

Washington Capitols: SUCK!

Chicago Blackhawks: SUCK! (And might be racist)

Columbus Blue Jackets: SUCK!

Detroit Red Wings: SUCK!

Nashville Predators: SUCK!

St. Louis Blues: Have a stupid mascot and also SUCK!

Calgary Flames: SUCK!

Colorado Avalanche: SUCK!

Edmonton Oilers: SUCK!

Minnesota Wild: Easily the stupidest name and mascot in all of sports. What is that? Are you in the woods or a Christmas tree farm? Is there a tornado happening? Are the players themselves wild? This name is too abstract. Oh also, you SUCK!

Vancouver Canucks: SUCK!

This guy sucks so bad his blood is trying to escape from his body. Out of embarrassment.

Anaheim Ducks: You know what “duck” rhymes with, that’s right SUCK!

Dallas Stars: I haven’t watched enough Dallas Stars game to give an accurate and intelligent assessment.

Los Angeles Kings: SUCK!

Phoenix Coyotes: Are adorable, and also SUCK!

San Jose Sharks: SUCK!

So that’s where the league stands now. Check back soon for more updates.

Betty the Polar Bear

*Editor’s note. No one has ever called Tie Domi “The Polar Bear.”

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Jack Weiland permalink
    November 30, 2010 12:30 pm

    Two things.

    1. You had me at SUCKICANES.
    2. Chicago Blackhawks = definitely NOT racist. Just because their logo is a Native American (see what I did there?) does not they are racist. Chief Black Hawk is a real dude. A historical figure, if you will. Would a team called the Napoleans be racist? Are the Columbus Blue Jackets are racist portrayal of white Civil War combatants? No. No they are not.
    3. (Bonus cut) There is no way in hell a PB would imply such a terrible thing about my beloved hockey team. No way whatsoever. I smell a rat. In fact, I’m willing to bet this article wasn’t written by a real polar bear AT ALL. Anything you’d like to confess, SUSAN?

  2. Jack Weiland permalink
    November 30, 2010 12:32 pm

    Fine work tagging Artem Anisimov, too. I’ve been waiting for him to make an appearance on this blog. At long last the wait is over.

  3. November 30, 2010 3:52 pm

    This polar bear is a misguided individual. Although the Devils do, in fact, suck, the Flyers are extremely good.

    • December 2, 2010 2:27 pm

      The only thing the Flyers are good at is sucking. Says the polar bear.

      • Jack Weiland permalink
        December 7, 2010 12:42 pm

        Right, the polar bear. AKA SUSAN TORRES!!!!

        Busted!!!

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