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The great cat debate: outdoor vs. indoor

November 15, 2010

Richter and Paul, Current Instincts’ two favorite cats, debate indoor vs. outdoor living. Here is a transcribed — and translated — version of that very odd conversation.

Richter and Paul. Cats rule.

Richter and Paul.

Richter: Hello, everyone! Richter the cat here. I’m joined today with the infamous Paul (aka Pause). You may remember Paul from his fantastic column about black cat adoptions. I previously wrote about the new animal abuse registry, as well as our infamous dog vs. cat piece where Little Greg the dog unfairly accused Paul of being a deadbeat pack member …

[Background noises] Paul: Dogs suck!

Richter: Man, dogs really do suck, don’t they? I hate dogs. So. fucking. much. Anyways, we’re here today to talk about indoor and outdoor living for cats. Both of us are strictly indoor felines, however, Paul, who has explored his outdoor back porch, believes that he should be able to venture out into the real world whenever he damn pleases. Paul, why is that?

Paul: Because being an outdoor cat rocks. My stupid humans constantly take the two fleabags of the house — Little Greg and Peggy Sue — into the yard but they refuse to take me with them. I even open the door for myself and try to sneak out but they always capture me. Assholes.

Richter: You know what that is? Another example of the man (and the dog) trying to keep us down.

Paul: It definitely is. My life is filled with dog bias. Everyone loves the freaking dogs. But seriously — they’re such idiots. I hate them.

Richter: I couldn’t imagine being in a household with not one but two stupid pooches. Humans are bad but at least they have some redeeming qualities – namely the ability to feed me – but dogs have none. But anyways, back to the topic at hand. So tell us a little bit more about why the outdoors rock.

Paul: Well, there’s birds outdoors. When my humans let me out on the porch in the summer, I used to hunt birds like nobody’s business. And one time — yeah I caught one.

Richter: YOU killed a bird?!

Paul: You know the other thing I hate about dogs? They drool. Like non-stop. And they do that stupid head tilting to the side thing thinking they’re so cute…

Richter: Sorry to interrupt but you were talking about the time you killed a bird…?

Paul: My apologies. I just hate dogs so goddamn much. Well, I didn’t quite kill it — I just brought it inside the house to play with. Human #2 took away from me. He was probably jealous. He probably gave it to the  dogs, son of a bitch.

Richter: Ugh. Probably. Humans give dogs everything they want. Even dog shoes. They should just become dogs. I’m so glad my human can’t have a dog.

Paul: Yeah it’s really uncool that my humans have two. Naturally, no one asked me if I wanted to have one — let alone TWO — disgusting pooches in the house. But anyways, I digress. Outdoors is where it’s at.

Richter: Well, I’ve heard on the human media that outdoor cats use up their nine lives way faster than indoor ones.

Paul: Rich, you gotta live dangerously. What are you, a scaredy-dog?!


Richter: Good one, Paul! You know darn well I ain’t no scaredy-dog. Well, everyone, looks like we are out of time. I hope you enjoyed today’s debate.  Outdoor or indoor? DOGS SUCK.


6 Comments leave one →
  1. November 15, 2010 11:29 am

    Haha. What a conversation those two had… Love the crowns and the mugs. So silly!

  2. November 15, 2010 1:20 pm

    Thanks for appreciating our Photoshop skills! And our absurdity.

  3. November 15, 2010 3:07 pm

    Indoors!! Bela and Josie have harnesses so that they can go outside but can’t run off in front of a car or into the eager jaws of a coyote. Bela had to get an extra-large one, but I digress …

    • November 15, 2010 3:55 pm

      Don’t worry — Paul would need an XXL one — but it’s not because he’s fat. He’s just big-boned.

  4. March 1, 2011 4:38 pm

    Speaking as an ex-stray, I’m glad to be an indoor, especially in the winter. Ask me again when the sun comes back though – this house has an interesting looking garden. I was not in the mood last summer when I just moved here from surviving on the mean streets and trying to raise kittens all by myself. But now I rule this house and I have been looking at the garden and thinking… maybe… we shall see!

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