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Baseball: The deadliest worst sport ever invented

November 5, 2010

Baseball season ended this week and I don’t know who won the World Series and I don’t care. All I know is that my bird friends and I can breathe and fly a lot easier now that this deadly sport is behind us for a few months. Baseball players are a menace to the bird population, and I’m not just talking about Randy Johnson, even though he’s a total asshole.

Photo provided by Creative Commons

He's safe. For now.

Although it happened 9 years ago, every bird still has the image of Randy Johnson exploding a bird in their mind. Thank God that freakishly tall man has retired and made us feel a little safer. However, there are still many threats facing birds during baseball season besides the Big Unit.

Like what, you might be asking yourself. Well, baseball players are completely insane, and they’re out for blood. Just ask Jae Kuk Ryu about that osprey he viciously murdered. All the poor guy wanted to do was watch some baseball but Ryu wasn’t having any of it. He hunted him down, knocked him from his perch and went back to the game not even thinking about how many lives he had destroyed. The osprey community has banned viewing of the sport since, not that it’s done anything for their peace of mind.

You might be saying to yourself, these were clearly freak accidents and don’t reflect on humans as a whole. To that I say, then why do you need those crazy big lights to disorient us? There’s no need to play this “sport” at night, you’re definitely doing it to mess with us. There’s no other explanation. We think it’s the sun then come flying right towards the most dangerous parts of the country: baseball stadiums.

We prefer you keep your sports indoors: hockey, basketball, lacrosse, even swimming are fine by us. Birds, weird blinding lights, and flying objects that don’t have feathers don’t mix.

Larry the Dove

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jack Weiland permalink
    November 5, 2010 12:27 pm

    Must say I disagree. Cock fighting, dog fighting, horse strangling … these are all far more dangerous sports.

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