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I am more talented than all of you

October 25, 2010
I hate Adam Sandler

I am so much more talented than this asshole. Seriously.

You would not believe the incompetence I have to put up with. How hard is it to find good help these days? I’ll tell you how hard. Harder than trying to dig bugs out of a rotting tree with a stick. And let me tell you, that’s fucking hard. Try it sometime.


I don’t think I’m more demanding than the usual director, but I do expect a certain amount of professionalism. For example, when I ask for a fruit platter with a non-fat latte before my next shoot, I expect it to be in my trailer BEFORE MY FUCKING SHOOT. NOT MIDWAY THROUGH. How can I fulfill my vision on an empty stomach?

Now that I’m the most famous director in all of the animal kingdom, I’m in demand, so I need things to run smoothly. There is  no way I’m going back to being a service animal. Or even worse the jungle. Have you ever been to the jungle? It’s degrading. Monkeys picking at each other, plants fighting each other shamelessly for sunlight, and the noise. You would not believe the noise, it’s impossible to get a decent night’s sleep there.

That’s why I’m looking forward to my upcoming trip to France. I’ll be showing my movie, Oedipe, for the first time at the Clermont-Ferrand Film Festival. It’ll be wine, women and class all weekend. And I’m going to bring home some serious hardware. It doesn’t even matter if the movies good or not (which it is) how can people resist a movie made by a monkey? If I lose, I’ll just fling my poop everywhere. Problem solved.

If I don’t win, I’m going to team up with Michael Bay. Then you’ll be sorry.

-Capucine the monkey director

Capucine was featured in last Friday’s news roundup and was the winner of our poll.

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