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Doing it fishy style

October 21, 2010

Fish invented sex. That’s right — sex was all our idea! As soon as our jaws caught up to our desires, man, the oceans, the rivers, and all other bodies of water got nasty — in the best kind of way. (There were a lot more awkward morning after run-ins at the coral, that’s for damn sure!)

What’s that? You thought Adam and Eve invented sex? Well, my dear ignorant human, that’s a lie. We taught those copycats everything. I don’t like to gossip but it’s a well-known fact in the fish community that Adam wasn’t even using his jaw at first. I know! What an amateur.

(Oh and for the record, Trey Songz didn’t invent sex, either.)

But in all seriousness, I’m sick and tired of you humans underestimating us.  Do you really think we’re happy to just swim around all day in a bowl with some pebbles and a fake treasure chest? Guess what? We’re not.

Spike the Betta Fish may have external sex but he still feels fish deserve more credit.

It’s true that a lot of fish species have since abandoned their intimate ways: More than 90 percent of us now reproduce externally because let’s face it – this is much more convenient: You don’t even need to have both parties present to successfully mate.  BUT there’s still a handful of us — like horn sharks and certain rays — that practice it in the normal fashion. (The more fun fashion.)

How exactly do fish have intercourse? Well, the male puts his gonopodium into the female and BAM! Sex. (Ok, there’s a little more to it but you get the idea.)

So, now that your scientists have finally discovered what we’ve known since the beginning of time, I hope you start giving us a bit more credit – I mean, you wouldn’t be here without us.

(A nice start would be calling it “fishy style” since we had a huge jump over dogs.)

While horny fish won our poll, we don’t want to alienate our five or so readers, so check back soon for columns by the dangerous goat and pessimistic dog.




* A special thank you to Katie Fick for this lovely image of her fish, Spike.
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